Attachment Theory and Emotionally Focused Therapy with Dr. Sue Johnson
Every voice is named by two or more agreeing sources.
“And my granny said, because they love each other, dear.”
Sue describes watching her parents fight as a child and her grandmother’s paradoxical explanation that they loved each other.
“No, I yelled shut up.”
Sue recalls yelling "shut up" during her chaotic first couple therapy session.
“No, you can't negotiate for love, affection, and care.”
She asserts that core emotional needs cannot be bargained away in relationships.
“I think one of the reasons we love dogs is because dogs play it out.”
She suggests dogs’ play behavior mirrors human attachment dynamics, explaining our affection for them.
“Oh, there is one, of course. The missing puzzle piece is you don't have to teach skills. Right. You have to sing to people's amygdala, and the music in their amygdala has been there forever since we struggled out of the primordial ooze.”
Therapy should focus on activating the amygdala rather than teaching skills.
“When Danny can say to his wife, Actually, I don't really need to make love to you 3 times a day. I need you to touch me. I need you to reassure me that I matter and that you need me.”
Danny expresses his core need for touch and reassurance, illustrating vulnerability in a bonding conversation.
“When we really go into that depression, she's not depressed. She's heartbroken.”
What appears as depression may actually be profound heartbreak.
“the dance and the disconnection, the dance of distress and the disconnection are the problem, not the conflict per se”
She argues that the pattern of interaction, not the specific disagreement, is the core issue in relationships.
“In other words, being congruent in a very Rogerian kind of sense. I adore Carl Rogers.”
He recommends adopting a Rogerian, congruent stance in relationships, citing Carl Rogers as a model.
“the strongest move is to be the most vulnerable person in the conversation.”
Rick suggests that showing vulnerability is the most powerful relational strategy.
“We're attachment‑based, so we have a particular map.”
Sue states that EFT is grounded in attachment theory.
“We've just done the first big study of EFT. It's not out yet, but the results are really good.”
The initial large-scale study of Emotionally Focused Therapy shows promising results.
“In my book that I wrote about Edgar and Eloise, Edgar's a Crow, Eloise is a fox. Edgar says, I'm a pathetic, weak, ridiculous crow.”
Sue tells a story about animal characters Edgar and Eloise to illustrate how people define themselves and handle fear.
“Basically, fear blocks it.”
Sue states that fear is the main barrier to connecting with our inner core.
“what the research says is one of the things that keeps us trapped in fear is that we generalize it and we catastrophize.”
Research indicates that generalizing and catastrophizing fear keeps people trapped.
“We want to feel that we're with people whose fundamental stance is, I will come find you.”
People desire partners who actively seek them out.
“I think that's one of the reasons we all have this huge epidemic of depression, particularly in young women, but everywhere.”
The lack of connection is linked to a widespread depression epidemic.
“If you're going to sing to the amygdala, you have to keep— you don't do it once because the amygdala, the first time you do it, the amygdala says, no, not doing that.”
The amygdala requires repeated soothing to change its response.